19 November 2010 § 6 Comments

This post is probably going to be a “Dear Abby” style one, because something… unsettling happened to me and I need to write about it.

Some people may remember the incident Miss Medicina described in a post last February: to summarise it quickly, she was sending a whisper to a raid leader about a certain raid member being “borderline retarded”, and by mistake she sent the whisper to said raid member. MM’s post was (I thought) a very sweet reminder that even someone who is fundamentally good can say hurtful things without really meaning to.

Well, today I was the recipient of a whisper describing myself as “prickly” and “quick to criticise”. The whisper was clearly not intended for me, and came from someone whom I had, until that very moment, considered a good (WoW) friend. I am very aware of the difference between online friendship and RL ones, and while I know that one can turn into another, I also know that online friendships have this deceptive depth to them that can trick you into considering them much stronger than they really are – but that didn’t change the fact that, having raided and partied and shared stories and wipes with someone for the past year or so, I was very hurt to suddenly find out the image she had of me. To make matters worse, he went on to state that it’s because he could never understand what I thought of him, and I kept turning hot and cold with him, and so he did not know how to take anything I said (I had just whispered him about a remark he had made during the raid, which I had found sligthly offensive, but didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so I thought a whisper to let him know would solve it). And yes, I am changing pronouns to indicate the person in question, to make it harder to identify him or her.

I did not have the coolness of MM’s “victim”. I just replied something along the lines of “nice mistell”, and when she kept explaining I tried to keep my replies to a minimum. I was, quite frankly, still reeling. I still don’t know what I will do.

I can do nothing, and just accept that he thinks I am this way. Honestly, that adds a whole new layer of tension which I am sure I want to carry over (because yes, this person is in my 10-man raid, and no, this was not the tension I had sort of alluded to in my last post, though the conclusion to that post about interpersonal relationships being more important than strategies reads kinda ironic now). Although the actual words in the message look fairly tame, now that I write about them, I am not sure I am ready to forget the blow they delivered to me when I first read them.

I can just quit the raid, but is that really going to solve the issue? I am still in the same guild (in fact, I have just become guild leader of that guild…) and she is still an important and active person of the same small guild. And quitting WoW over this seems… a bit overblown, to say the least. (And restarting on another server or faction is not exactly something I can look forward to – my roots into Feathermoon Horde are too deep). I am sure that the raid would survive (well, I *do* think I have an important social function in smoothing things over, but I don’t think that is invaluable or irreplaceable in any way).

I guess the only real, mature option is to talk to him about it all, and try to solve the issue. Frankly, I doubt I will ever get to trust her as much as I did until today – by nature, I tend to be a fairly trusting soul, I think, but once I feel that trust is betrayed I find it really hard to continue. I am hoping we can get to a level where we can work together, though, because it would suck majorly if this ruined Feathermoon for me.

For now? God it hurts.


§ 6 Responses to /confused

  • Nope says:

    I know the feeling. I recently had someone who I had bent over backwards for on a regular basis say some pretty hurtful things about me in a semi-public forum.

    Spending as much time as we wow players spend together raiding, it would be weird not to develop close bonds with people that share so much time together. It is more than some married couples spend. Its far more than most IRL friendships.

    But yeah, it hurts that much more when people you get close to are hurtful.

    Another recently hurt FMer

  • Zinn says:

    Yes, I’ve been in this situation as well. Joined a new guild and after a while my bf, who is also in the guild, was made officer. And he found some not so nice things said about me in the officers notes and forums. Some people in the guild (two people actually), other officers, had said some mean things, and what really mad me sad is that they didn’t have the guts to just whisper me about this. How will I be able to change what they don’t like about me if I never get to find out? It is plain childish to just talk behind my back like that. My bf got upset about it of course and asked them to remove any such comments and to grow up.

    I was really upset about this for a couple of days. I kept thinking “no body likes me…”. But then they played less and less and I am still active and clearly liked by the vast majority of the guild. I thought about that and decided not to bother with those two. If they had an issue with me, their problem.

  • Tam says:

    /soothe. That’s a deeeply uncomfortable position to be in, and no wonder you’re hurt. I would be too, when I’d gone through furious and defensive 🙂 I’ve never been a similar position so I don’t have much sensible to say, beyond sympathy. I can’t imagine I’d handle it well, and you seem to be doing a good job of a horrible business. Talking to the person is probably the only way to move a bearable space – I mean s/he might want to apologise, even if the instinct of embarrassment in the moment was to defend it. And at the risk of sounding all rainbows and kittens you might actually be able to move through it to a more honest space – after all, if this person doesn’t know you consider them a friend, then they might be warmed to hear it.

    The other thing I would say is that people say shit they don’t mean all the time. I’m not excusing it at all, and you certainly shouldn’t have to. But I once complained about a friend of mine, rather nastily, to another friend of mine accidentally within his hearing. He was devestated, naturally. And so was I becuase how could I tell him I didn’t actually MEAN what I said, I was just sort of letting of steam and bitching for the hell of it.

  • Thrian says:

    oh boy such whispers are always difficult. I remember Barrindar; we had a disagreement and just blew up on one another. Walls shook. Well, WoW drama was also a lot more real to me back then. But blowing up allowed us to talk about it afterwards and, really helped us, as Tam mentioned, move to a more honest space afterwards.

    We all get along well in our 10 man and I am pretty sure this incident falls under the category of “shit they dont mean”.

    Personal example: I know words such as “ugh my 10 man wants to hit up HM LK again” to a friend dont mean jack. I love my 10 man. I really enjoy raiding with everyone in our 10 man. Our 10 man is, for a fact, the reason I’ve been playing this game for five years.

    I know this situation is a lot more personal. But i really think it was a spur of the moment whisper. Bet they feel horrible about what they have done now – here is to hoping you two can figure things out.

  • itanya_blade says:

    People vent about things in strange ways. There are all kinds of reasons for why these things are said. Maybe the person in question didn’t mean it to sound as harsh as it did. Maybe she was trying to talk to this other person about a way to approach you.

    Personally, I have never found you either prickly or quick to critize. Of course, I don’t raid with you regularly and I do not know if I could (skillwise and the time difference, all that) You’ve always been willing to talk to me about things despite that.

    The first reaction to finding out that someone doesn’t like something about you is hurt. It is only natural, but that doesn’t have to be what you do. You can use it to get a kind of understanding.

  • Tsark says:

    Thanks everyone for the support. I cannot say that everything is back to normal, but we’re certainly on the mend….

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